Day + 154: Worth it

I feel torn whenever I visit my Grandma Gunn, who only 3 years ago lived independently, sparkled at her 80th birthday party, and travelled on her own with ease. She took care of me several times during my battle with leukemia and has always been a good friend to me. Now, since her second stroke, she is unable to speak, eat or walk, and yet she has not lost the majority of her mental abilities. It's an unfair trap to live in and certainly she deserves more. The visits she enjoys from Colleen and her family every couple of days and from the rest of us a little less frequently obviously fuel her and she is generally quite positive despite her situation, confirming again to me what powerful roles mind and spirit play in assisting the body. However, I do wonder if the moments she cherishes can truly offset the remainder of her day. It's a struggle I realize so many people must deal with. In the end, I guess I think of Grandma's own words that I came across recently reading her travel journal from a trip to Germany in 1979-1980. She and her daughter Colleen went to visit her son Bob who was in the army and had an amazing time touring Europe. Her last entry talked of the dreaded trip home - a long flight to Victoria, with several delays, 6 inches of snow on arrival and 4 days of jet lag. Her final words in the journal were "But worth it".

My acting teacher always referred to Sanford Meisner's quote "an ounce of behaviour is worth a pound of words" when trying to relay that you need not say anything to communicate to your audience. I certainly saw this theory in action when I observed my Grandma Gunn meet my 2 and 1/2 year-old twin nephews Jack and Davis for the first time in Vancouver. Her ability to speak was virtually stolen from her a couple of years ago, yet her eyes and expression said it all. Initially overwhelmed by the nine of us (two daughters, four grandchildren, granddaughter-in-law and two great-grandsons), it took very little time for her to express the joy of meeting Jack and Davis and having her family surround her. The little boys tickled great-grandma and she rewarded them with smiles. I definitely think she thought it was worth it.

The weekend in Vancouver was definitely a success and I enjoyed spending time with my cousins Grady(12) and Joelle (7) - Joelle and I trick-or-treated on Halloween and I can tell you that kids growing up in her neighborhood earn their candy! I would not have been able to handle the incline on the route a couple of months ago, but I managed to keep up! Grady is now a true entrepreneur and I reviewed his flyer route invoices with admiration. I'm also thrilled that Colleen, Allan, Grady and Joelle are coming to spend Christmas with us in Calgary! I'll have to brush up on my Wii skills.

Last weekend mom, dad and I made a quick road trip to Fort Macleod to visit my uncle and aunt, Bob and Heather and check out their new abode. They built a beautiful house just outside the town along a river, and in the past month acquired a horse named Lacy. A beautiful Palomino, Lacy was as friendly as a dog and even nudged my back while I tried to make room on my camera for pictures. It was a great visit (with both the people and animals) and we plan to return soon.

In the spirit of my new book, I really had very few health-related appointments in the past couple of weeks. I managed to see Tasha, Ryan and Talyn as well as some of their friends for some much needed catch-up and even some new Singstar! It is always energizing to be with people who are so positive, regardless of what challenges exist in their lives. I also had some entertaining lunches with a number of friends, continued to build my strength at the gym, and even started the administrative process to return to work at PwC possibly in March 2009. Life is starting to look and feel a lot more like it should.

Yesterday I was at the clinic for bloodwork and a visit with Dr. Brown - a "visit" mainly because there was really not a lot to report from the medical side of things. We made plans for next month's visit at day +180 (December 9th), including another bone marrow aspirate as well as the removal of my Central Veneous Catheter from my chest. The CVC removal will be perfectly timed as I am attending PwC's Christmas party the following day and will be happy not to have to hide all that hardware in a dress! As well, I will begin a very slow taper off of my anti-rejection drugs on day +180 as well.

To express how amazed, wonderful and grateful I feel about my life today is impossible. As grandma would say, it's worth it.