I would have written in this post about my awesome trip to Maui and the business of life non-health related for the past few months, because that's what it's been. But instead I am doing a very brief post to update you on yet another health development that I did not see coming.
I'd had some headaches that got worse in the last few days and after a call into our Health Link system, came into Emergency yesterday to get it checked and within a couple of hours found out that I have several tumors in my brain. I quickly was admitted to the Neurology Unit at Foothills and have had lots of tests since and will likely likely undergo 1-2 surgeries this week, the first likely happening tomorrow. I don't know much more and I'm just trying to process this myself as are my close family & friends and all of you will be doing that too now I'm sure.
At this point, I'm trying to get things organized because unlike the other four times I've gone through cancer, my mind has been one of my strongest assets and survival strategies, but I don't know what capacity I'll have to do that this time. Tasha has helped me do this posting and between her and mom they will try to provide quick updates here as the days unfold.
I know that this is a brief update and all I can unfairly ask is for you to continue doing what you've been doing for almost two decades, which is sending whatever you can send and have been sending - prayers, energy, support. I need to ask you not to try and visit at this point - I need to rest to put myself in the best position possible for the coming days. You can instead support virtually through the blog and messages if you like. It seems to have worked until now and I need it more than ever this time.
As I think I mentioned, I have been working on a body of work of paintings to try and share my experience with the rollercoaster and writings to go with them and I've made some progress, not knowing what lies ahead. I thought I would share something I wrote, ironically a couple of weeks ago, that I thought was important and articulates how I'm feeling now. Maybe some of you will relate in your own experiences and even in reading this, how you might be feeling now. I've pasted it below, it like all my other writings is in draft, but it seems like today we can't perfect the drafts before we share.
Much love and thanks,
Tricia
The Black
While I would agree with people who say that I am a positive person, and that my ability to stay positive has helped me overcome many challenges, I feel the need to articulate the depth of moments where it is impossible to be positive, or where I have felt simply too tired to live. Through the past 21 years I have felt that way - too tired to fight, too tired to live - many times. I share this because I believe it is a life reality that every person experiences, but we are encouraged to reject it, recover from it, change it, and most definitely not share it with others. Be strong. Think positively. Be grateful. And while that is so very true, actually respecting the worst minutes, hours, days of life - where we feel weakened, when we feel attacked, unable to go on, swallowed by the quicksand, gasping for air, blinded by the horror of whatever is devouring us - is the only way to improve at getting through those times. I used to believe or possibly hope that life was overall fair, that times of darkness would be equalled by times of light, that justice would be served - not necessarily immediately, but by the end that it in fact would balance out. I don’t believe this to be true any more. Life is not logical or fair. There are tornadoes, and sharks and tsunamis regardless of what you do or don’t do. And it is almost certain that we and those we love will be hurt multiple times, sometimes so badly that we almost don’t make it. It’s never safe to assume that we’ve had our fair share of those attacks, and expect them to eventually dissipate. I don’t think that’s how it works. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the point. I think shining the spotlight on the darkest moments, understanding in detail how we managed to get to the edge of the water we almost drowned in, how we didn’t bleed to death, how our heart managed to heal after being torn to pieces, makes us more capable of surviving the next hit. No matter how many times we are hit. And focusing on how black the black is makes the white extraordinarily more vibrant.
Sunday, 16 April 2017
Saturday, 31 December 2016
A Christmas state of mind
A former colleague called me just before Christmas to tell me she passed the CPA exams and asked me to present her at the convocation in February. I was so pleased to hear she'd finished the CPA journey - she is a remarkable person who always carried a very calm and empathetic energy with her. Not your average (I can say this as I am one) type A accountant. We spoke about each of our Christmas plans, and she shared that she loves the week between Christmas and New Years' Eve, for the opportunity to reflect on the year, what she learned, and how she can be a better person in the new year. I love that - what an excellent angle to look at this week from. It gave me some energy to get this post up before the apple drops on Saturday.
As usual, life has been full since the last post. The fullness - both good and bad - at times overwhelmed me, knocking me over even, requiring the use of a few strategies to get back up and keep walking forward. I know everyone can relate. I'm sure if we all shared our strategies we'd have common methods.
My health thankfully continues to be less dramatic than in the past :) Quarterly bloodwork has shown no signs of the leukemia returning, and just this month my breast surgeon confirmed no issues on that front. I continue to manage my chronic and "leftover" issues to a decent level through various medications and methods. One of the drugs I likely have to take indefinitely has suffocated my hair's ability to grow - or perhaps it's the accumulation of so many hits of hard chemo that the hair follicles are just sick of trying. In any case, I got some new hair to shake things up. Everyone knows how good that feels!
Work continues to be interesting with a couple different roles - one where I support PwC firms in our global network implement data auditing technology. Most are in the South/Middle America area so have been continuing my daily Spanish lessons and enjoying it. The other is focused on process improvement methodology in our audit practice which I also find interesting and challenging. That has taken me to Toronto a few times this Fall - one trip was timed perfectly to meet up with Kelsey, someone who became a good friend 10 years ago in Austin, TX as she and others cycled from Calgary to Texas to raise funds and awareness for Cancer and flew survivors down for the final weekend. She recently returned to Toronto from about 6 years in South Africa and it was her birthday - her boyfriend had arranged a whisky tasting (!) at which I was surprised to enjoy the whisky as well as a rare chance to celebrate with her.
I continue to volunteer on the Strategic Clinical Network core committee but wrapped up my work on the Provincial Advisory Council - Cancer in September after 4 years. I truly loved that work, but in an effort to balance my cancer efforts, I joined the audit committee of the Calgary International Film Festival (CIFF) and enjoyed screening over 30 films in late September.
In October we had a great team of trotters for Light the Night - including Tasha's family (including dog Ivy!), mine (including Lucy!) and some friends who have ventured out nearly every year. Right after that I spent a few days in NYC with mom and Colleen, celebrating with other bone marrow transplant survivors and my docs at Sloan Kettering. Always an energy booster for me, we connected with some friends and even family. I will always love NY.
My blogging has been sparse this year, partly because life evaporates so quickly with all the action, but partly because when I have a "chunk" of time to blog, I've been painting and writing more. I finished a large painting earlier in the year for a colleague at work who "purchased" my services for a painting for his wife last year at our PwC United Way auction, and have been creating several visuals and writings that reflect some of what I've learned about life over the past nearly 20 years. A reflection. I'm hoping to create a small collection to share by about a year and a half from now. Stay tuned.
We celebrated Christmas this year on Christmas Eve with Brandon, Jacquie and the boys - and then I had Jack and Davis overnight at my place Boxing Day for a night of Skipbo, making sugar cookies (from scratch through to rolling and icing - hard work!) and watching movies. Another friend recently described Christmas as a state of mind, not a day. To celebrate life with friends, family, to visit, to share stories, food and to be thankful for everything that we have. The simpler it is the better it gets. I like that idea. I am also very fortunate to be escaping the cold weather we are about to experience in Calgary again, as Tuesday I head to Maui once again with mom, dad and for the first week of our trip Davis! Jack has a hockey tournament he doesn't want to miss, so I'm going to do my best to party like a 10-year old in his place.
Happy New Year everyone - may the Christmas state of mind be with you for all of 2017. Cheers.
As usual, life has been full since the last post. The fullness - both good and bad - at times overwhelmed me, knocking me over even, requiring the use of a few strategies to get back up and keep walking forward. I know everyone can relate. I'm sure if we all shared our strategies we'd have common methods.
My health thankfully continues to be less dramatic than in the past :) Quarterly bloodwork has shown no signs of the leukemia returning, and just this month my breast surgeon confirmed no issues on that front. I continue to manage my chronic and "leftover" issues to a decent level through various medications and methods. One of the drugs I likely have to take indefinitely has suffocated my hair's ability to grow - or perhaps it's the accumulation of so many hits of hard chemo that the hair follicles are just sick of trying. In any case, I got some new hair to shake things up. Everyone knows how good that feels!Work continues to be interesting with a couple different roles - one where I support PwC firms in our global network implement data auditing technology. Most are in the South/Middle America area so have been continuing my daily Spanish lessons and enjoying it. The other is focused on process improvement methodology in our audit practice which I also find interesting and challenging. That has taken me to Toronto a few times this Fall - one trip was timed perfectly to meet up with Kelsey, someone who became a good friend 10 years ago in Austin, TX as she and others cycled from Calgary to Texas to raise funds and awareness for Cancer and flew survivors down for the final weekend. She recently returned to Toronto from about 6 years in South Africa and it was her birthday - her boyfriend had arranged a whisky tasting (!) at which I was surprised to enjoy the whisky as well as a rare chance to celebrate with her.
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| CIFF opening night |
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| Light the Night - with my long-time trotters Alex and Morgan |
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| Amazing Dr. Boulad |
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| Mom, Colleen and I and our Chrysler building |
My blogging has been sparse this year, partly because life evaporates so quickly with all the action, but partly because when I have a "chunk" of time to blog, I've been painting and writing more. I finished a large painting earlier in the year for a colleague at work who "purchased" my services for a painting for his wife last year at our PwC United Way auction, and have been creating several visuals and writings that reflect some of what I've learned about life over the past nearly 20 years. A reflection. I'm hoping to create a small collection to share by about a year and a half from now. Stay tuned.
We celebrated Christmas this year on Christmas Eve with Brandon, Jacquie and the boys - and then I had Jack and Davis overnight at my place Boxing Day for a night of Skipbo, making sugar cookies (from scratch through to rolling and icing - hard work!) and watching movies. Another friend recently described Christmas as a state of mind, not a day. To celebrate life with friends, family, to visit, to share stories, food and to be thankful for everything that we have. The simpler it is the better it gets. I like that idea. I am also very fortunate to be escaping the cold weather we are about to experience in Calgary again, as Tuesday I head to Maui once again with mom, dad and for the first week of our trip Davis! Jack has a hockey tournament he doesn't want to miss, so I'm going to do my best to party like a 10-year old in his place. Happy New Year everyone - may the Christmas state of mind be with you for all of 2017. Cheers.
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