An unfair ask and the black

I would have written in this post about my awesome trip to Maui and the business of life non-health related for the past few months, because that's what it's been.  But instead I am doing a very brief post to update you on yet another health development that I did not see coming. 

I'd had some headaches that got worse in the last few days and after a call into our Health Link system, came into Emergency yesterday to get it checked and within a couple of hours found out that I have several tumors in my brain.  I quickly was admitted to the Neurology Unit at Foothills and have had lots of tests since and will likely likely undergo 1-2 surgeries this week, the first likely happening tomorrow.  I don't know much more and I'm just trying to process this myself as are my close family & friends and all of you will be doing that too now I'm sure. 

At this point, I'm trying to get things organized because unlike the other four times I've gone through cancer, my mind has been one of my strongest assets and survival strategies, but I don't know what capacity I'll have to do that this time.  Tasha has helped me do this posting and between her and mom they will try to provide quick updates here as the days unfold. 

I know that this is a brief update and all I can unfairly ask is for you to continue doing what you've been doing for almost two decades, which is sending whatever you can send and have been sending - prayers, energy, support.  I need to ask you not to try and visit at this point - I need to rest to put myself in the best position possible for the coming days.  You can instead support virtually through the blog and messages if you like. It seems to have worked until now and I need it more than ever this time. 

As I think I mentioned, I have been working on a body of work of paintings to try and share my experience with the rollercoaster and writings to go with them and I've made some progress, not knowing what lies ahead.  I thought I would share something I wrote, ironically a couple of weeks ago, that I thought was important and articulates how I'm feeling now.  Maybe some of you will relate in your own experiences and even in reading this, how you might be feeling now.  I've pasted it below, it like all my other writings is in draft, but it seems like today we can't perfect the drafts before we share.

Much love and thanks,

Tricia

The Black

While I would agree with people who say that I am a positive person, and that my ability to stay positive has helped me overcome many challenges, I feel the need to articulate the depth of moments where it is impossible to be positive, or where I have felt simply too tired to live. Through the past 21 years I have felt that way - too tired to fight, too tired to live - many times. I share this because I believe it is a life reality that every person experiences, but we are encouraged to reject it, recover from it, change it, and most definitely not share it with others.  Be strong. Think positively. Be grateful. And while that is so very true, actually respecting the worst minutes, hours, days of life - where we feel weakened, when we feel attacked, unable to go on, swallowed by the quicksand, gasping for air, blinded by the horror of whatever is devouring us - is the only way to improve at getting through those times. I used to believe or possibly hope that life was overall fair, that times of darkness would be equalled by times of light, that justice would be served - not necessarily immediately,  but by the end that it in fact would balance out.  I don’t believe this to be true any more.  Life is not logical or fair.  There are tornadoes, and sharks and tsunamis regardless of what you do or don’t do.  And it is almost certain that we and those we love will be hurt multiple times, sometimes so badly that we almost don’t make it.  It’s never safe to assume that we’ve had our fair share of those attacks, and expect them to eventually dissipate. I don’t think that’s how it works. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the point.  I think shining the spotlight on the darkest moments, understanding in detail how we managed to get to the edge of the water we almost drowned in, how we didn’t bleed to death, how our heart managed to heal after being torn to pieces, makes us more capable of surviving the next hit.  No matter how many times we are hit.  And focusing on how black the black is makes the white extraordinarily more vibrant.